8 Sober Nights
by TEAM US
Summary: MERRY XMAS SAMMY-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all we are saying is that SOMEONE has to stay sober ...:
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Ice and I have never ever, ever, ever, I repeat EVER, played Final Fantasy; so if you don't like it, stop reading it. Besides, the sol purpose of writing this fic was for our dear friend Sammy- Chan (blame her, nah, don't)'s X-Mas present. Characters may be severely out of line (acting oddly) so note this, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Anything you want to say Ice? A/N #2: oooooooooooooo and dear old Sammy? BOB SAYS MERRRRRRRRRY XMAASSSSSSS!!!!!!! ... Yeah ... so our fic is basically a figment of our imagination.... and ... yah. We, being ice and jocko, personally think that Seifer has a pole up his ass and that he deserves to be tortured. Oh yeah everyone? WE DO NOT OWN ANYONE IN THIS FIC.... at least not yet ... so.... yeah! As good ol' Sammy Chan use to say... ON with the fan fiction... I still don't get that!! P.S: Please Review. (We feel like a common author saying that, but still, DO IT!)  
  
8 SOBER NIGHTS It was Christmas and everyone was still singing that annoying song "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" with all the twisted lyrics. God, didn't these people have a life? Yeah, sure, they could have been singing the twisted version of "Joy to the World", but still, all this merriment was pissing Seifer off. Just when he thought his day wouldn't get any better, who should happen to walk down the hall but Squall in all his 5"8' glory without Rinoa. Seifer almost had to look twice and make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. Rinoa wasn't there!  
  
"Hey, puberty boy, where's your girlfriend? Did she run off with someone else with more experience than you?" Seifer teased.  
  
Squall looked up at the person who had ruined his train of thoughts. It was a pretty good train because it was pretty damn close to reaching its destination, but no, some asshole had to put a cluster of dynamite in the tracks! He wasn't surprised when he met the taunting eyes of Seifer Almasy.  
  
"Now that's pathetic, taking out your loneliness on other people who don't share your pain. Tsk, tsk." Squall shot back.  
  
" Ya ya go fuck yourself."  
  
"I don't have to, I have Rinoa!"  
  
Before Seifer could reply, Squall skipped, Yes SKIPPED, out of the hall. He didn't have much time to shout something after Squall because the intercom immediately blared through the hall.  
  
"SEIFER ALMASY PLEASE REPORT TO THE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!" The secretary blared in a monotone voice for all to hear.  
  
Everyone in the hall turned around and shouted, "Oooooooooohhhhhhh!"  
  
"Shut up" Seifer growled.  
  
Silently in his head he asked himself " Shit! What the fuck did I do?? " He racked his brain trying to find out what the hic of a headmaster could possibly want with him, all the way to Cid's office.  
  
He knocked on the door . KNOCK KNOCK ( a/n: didn't expect that one did ya??). Almasy heard a grunt that sounded like 'come in' so he assumed that he could.  
  
"Uh, sir?" Seifer asked as he poked his head in through the door jamb.  
  
" Ah, Seifer! So good to see you! What can I help you with?" The headmaster asked as if he had absolutely no idea as to why Seifer was there, and really, he didn't.  
  
"Um. I was told you wanted to speak with me ." he said as he thought, "If this is one of Squall's jokes..."  
  
"Oh RIGHT! Yes yes, come in, come in, please make yourself at home " And Cid gave him a healthy two thumbs up.  
  
'What the fuck is he on???' Seifer thought as he said, "Alright sir ".  
  
"So, Seifer . you know how the students are permitted to have Christmas parties in their dorms for the eight nights before Christmas?"  
  
" Yes." He responded thinking, 'What the fuck is he getting to?'  
  
" Well you know how we always end up having an endless pit of empty anythings that could contain alcohol?" Cid continued  
  
'Yes . " he said saying to himself, "Half of them are mine' but what he actually said " REALLY? Who would've thought??"  
  
Obviously the headmaster hadn't the slightest clue that Seifer was a mean drunk. "I know! That's why this year, the faculty of Garden have decided that we will have a designated student attend each party and keep things in more or less in order, while of course being inconspicuous." Cid said eagerly as he unveiled his master plan.  
  
'Ohhhhhhh no. He doesn't want me to do what I think he wants me to do. Please say no!" Seifer thought as his palms began to perspire due to a nervous habit.  
  
The headmaster was waiting for his reply, but by judging on the blank expression on Seifer's face he decided to help him out.  
  
"We want YOU, the PERFECT student, to be THE designated student to supervise the parties."  
  
'AAAwwwww shit. Why me? Fuck.' Seifer thought. " Sure thing sir! When do I start!" He said with fake enthusiasm.  
  
"I knew I was right in choosing you! Such an enthusiastic student! Alright, so, starting tomorrow, every day at noon, I want you to come down to my office and I'll brief you on the upcoming party that night."  
  
"Yes sir. Glad I can help regulate the outrageous consumption of alcohol! But sir, if I may ask, how am I supposed to do this?" At this point, Almasy was terrified of what the headmaster might say next. "He better not say, 'find and destroy their supply of alcohol' because sober students are terrifying if you manage to get on their bad side and Hell, I might never live this down. It's going to ruin my career as a drunkard." Seifer thought. He sincerely hoped that Cid had not yet managed to master telepathy because right now, his thoughts were bad enough to get him expelled from Garden. But hey, what was so great about this place anyways?  
  
"Well, Seifer, I want you to watch for any suspicious vehicles that are abnormally large and have any ads that advertise an alcoholic company like 'Molson Dry' or 'Blue Dry' and confiscate it. Then, you will bring the alcohol to me. and I will personally. dispose of them.myself" Cid explained.  
  
What Seifer didn't know was that the headmaster was tired of looking for anything remotely alcoholic in all of Garden and finding out that there wasn't even a single drop left of the weakest alcohol.  
  
Cid had made a vow to please both the faculty and himself. This year, he was going to get a massive hangover to make up for the past years. He wasn't only going to drown his sorrows of being lonely, but he was finally going to be rid of the complains from the faculty and the surrounding area about the insane noise level and the students not going to class the next day due to severe hangovers.  
  
Seifer wasn't a happy camper either. Not only was he not going to get any booze, but the headmaster was probably going to send perfectly good beer back to the company or he was going to drink it all by himself. The selfish bastard!  
  
"Yes sir. May I be excused sir?" Seifer asked. If he wasn't going to get any alcohol this holiday, he was going to drink all that he could now and hopefully make it through the rest of the season without resembling a girl in PMS.  
  
"Huh, oh sure. You may be excused Seifer." Cid was brought back to reality by Seifer's desire to leave. It must have only meant one thing: Seifer was going to get severely drunk. He sure wasn't going to allow that, now was he? "Oh, and Seifer?"  
  
"Yes sir?" Seifer turned around.  
  
  
  
"You have to stay sober."  
  
"What! You have to be shitting me! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Seifer thought. He was so upset that he nearly went into shock. "Yes sir. Merry Christmas sir."  
  
  
  
A/N: (Part 2or is it 3? Oh well!) (Ice:) YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY the end of the first chapter of our first fic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now . the rules are... REVIEW OR DIE!!!!!! (Jocko:) Ice. Tsk Tsk (Ice:) . Ok .Ok . The rules are . REVIEW OR WE WILL SEND LEPRECHANS TO SODOMIZE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!!!! (Jocko:) ICE! Behave yourself!!! (Ice:) Fine! Be that way jocko! .... Review if you want to . We won't kill you or send leprechauns to sodomize you in your sleep if you don't review . But SAMMY?? (Jocko:). Uh Ice? (Ice:) Yeah Jocko? (Jocko:) She won't reply . uh . she can't hear you dude. (Ice:) riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhhttttttt. Well sammy? We expect YOU to review at least. (Jocko:) are you done dude? (Ice:) I think so dude.  
  
(Jocko :) . thank god. OK review faster and we will post chapters faster . yes you heard me .we ALREADY have other chappies done, we just gotta post em' (Ice :) LATERS PPL!!!!!!! 


	2. Telling Someone

A/N:  
  
(Jocko) Welcome to Chapter Two. We hope you enjoy your stay. Wait a minute! This isn't a hotel! Oops! Did you know about this Ice?  
  
(Ice) Uh. Yeah, I did.  
  
(Jocko) WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?  
  
(Ice) Uh.. It slipped my mind?  
  
(Jocko) Oh well. Too late now. Anyways.  
  
(Together) On with the fanfiction!  
  
Telling Someone  
  
Squall was once again lost in thought on the very same train as before: what to get the girl who has everything for Christmas. Just like before, he was close to his destination when the same cluster of dynamite exploded again. He looked up into the enraged eyes of Seifer, again. "God, why me?" Squall asked himself.  
  
Seifer was on a warpath, searching for all the liquor he could find. Hey, if couldn't get drunk later, he might as well do it now and hopefully survive later. This hangover was supposed to last him eight long, excruciating, sober, liquor-free days. Personally, he couldn't wait to get them over with.  
  
"What do you want Seifer?" Squall demanded, "That's twice you ruined my thoughts!"  
  
"Well, I want all the alcohol you have." Seifer casually replied.  
  
"Now why would I, Squall, give you, Seifer, all my perfectly good vodka, if I had any?"  
  
"Because. God, I can't believe I'm saying this. you're a very nice guy who is my friend and. wait a minute! 'If you had any'? Squall! I can't believe that you're wasting my time playing mind games with me! Arg!" Seifer erupted like a volcano, destroying anything and everything in his path. "You're so mean!"  
  
Squall erupted into a fit of laughter. Here was Mr. "All High And Mighty" begging Squall for anything alcoholic and it was just too much for the young soldier.  
  
Seifer saw Squall laughing and it only made him even more mad. "This isn't funny Squall! Cid made me 'The Designated Student' that is supposed to attend all the Christmas Parties and regulate the Booze flow."  
  
It may have been the truth but it only made laugh even harder. Seifer, the mean drunk, the designated student to regulate all the alcohol consumption! As if Seifer could actually even stay sober to watch them!  
  
"Squall! I'm not finished yet! He wants me t stay sober! You know what's even worse? He might either send it back to the company or he might drink it all by himself!" Seifer yelled.  
  
Squall was laughing so hard that he almost pissed his pants. Seifer stay sober? Ha! When that happens is the day that Squall wins the lottery! Squall stopped laughing to meet the glint of anger in Seifer's eyes. He straightened up and tried to keep a straight face and not laugh. He sat up and immediately burst out laughing again. Seifer scowled.  
  
"I don't think you've grasped the gravity of the situation here!" Seifer stated, blinking his eyes, arms locked at his sides and finger pointed outwards. (A/N: yes, just like previews for "The Hot Chick" with Rob Schneider, minus the pink negligee). That only made Squall laugh some more.  
  
  
  
All of a sudden, Squall became very serious.  
  
"Seifer, take a step back and look at yourself. You, the guy who constantly harasses me, my friends, and my girlfriend, is all of a sudden in dire need of help and you can't get it. At least not from me. I owe you shit for what you've put me through. Thanks for making my day though! And once again, Squall left Seifer standing in the hall looking dumbfounded.  
  
"I HAVE TO STAY FUCKING SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA! We know! We are so mean, but hey, SOMEONE or SOME PEOPLE have to write this stuff (i.e.: US!) Tell US what you think by clicking the "Go" box at the bottom (and it has to be set to "Submit Review"). We think you've already seen it before, but we're just making sure.. REVIEW IT NOW!!!!!!!!! 


	3. Mannerless Lap Dog

A/N: (ICE): Hmmmmph. (JOCKO): what's the matter, dude? (Ice):  I just checked our reviews. (JOCKO): and? (ICE): dude. 2. (JOCKO): reviews? (ICE): mmhmm. (JOCKO) : WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Ice): dude I don't get it. We only got TWO reviews. By the same person. (JOCKO): yeah, but dude. SOMEONE LIKES OUR FIC!!!!!!!!! (ICE): that's true!!! (Jocko): so are we going to post the next chappie, dude? (Ice): I think so dude.

Chapter three

Seifer hated this. He had never failed a mission before, even if it meant to assassinate some heavily guarded president of some sort. But to satisfy a fundamental need (A/N: Yes, that's right, he didn't get hammered! We are so evil!) was pathetic. The last time he was sober for two days straight was the night of his fifteenth birthday.

On top of that, today was December 17th and that meant today was the first of eight days of Hell.  In about two minutes, he would be walking down the hall to Cid's office for "The Party Report".

Seifer rose from his seat in the cafeteria (A/N: There is one, right?) and began to walk down "The Hallway To Hell".

Just then, intercom blared again, "SEIFER ALMASY, PLEASE REPORT TO THE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE!"

Just like yesterday, everyone turned and shouted, "Ooooooooooooohhhh!" Unlike yesterday, Seifer growled and gave them the one gun salute.

"UP YOURS!" He snarled.

"Shame on you Seifer! You know better than to yell at the innocent students! Detention Young man!" Shouted Instructor Bennett. The aged history teacher may have been old, crinkly, and most likely didn't know what "Shit" meant, but he still strongly believed that manners and respect were due to everyone and anyone in Gardens ( a/n: hey, we have to make at least ONE person in this story that has good morals! ). 

"Fine! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!! EXPEL ME! PLEASE! Put me out of my damn misery!!!!!!!!!!!" Seifer retorted while frantically waving his hands around, as they went from his shoulders and into the … Oliver ' Can I have some 'ore?' Twist position.

" Ummm … that's ok young man, a detention will be fine. And its Headmaster Kramer's job, Merry Christmas young man!" And he filled out the pink slip and dropped it into Seifer's open hands.

"Arrrgh!"

"SEIFER ALAMSY! GO TO THE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE THIS INSTANT!" The intercom blared, causing fits oh laughter to erupt as kids pointed.

"SCREW YOU!"

Seifer began to walk down the extremely long hallway to Cid's office trying to remember what his anger management instructor had told him. Instead the instructions of his combat instructor's word rang through his head. Thoughts of Cid dying a painful death calmed Seifer's rage.

**At the office**

"Ah, good. You finally made it. I began to think you got lost." Cid said calmly trying to keep a straight face. Except he had no luck in suppressing his laughter.

The sight of his headmaster laughing at him pissed him off and brought him back into beautiful daydreams about mummifying his headmaster alive.

"Ahem… Seifer…. Are you in there? Hello? Seifer?" 

"Huh… What? Who? What? Where? How? When? Uh…"

"Well just ignore that little…uh, blackout."

"Thank you sir."

"So, for tonight's assignment. Well, I have received news that Mary Shelley (a/n: not the woman that wrote "Frankenstein") is having a keg party. I want you to find the kegs and bring them to me and I will dispose of them and get a full refund. That money will go to you, should you be able to do it properly without causing uproar. Call it a "Thank you"." 

"Alright sir. I'll do my best." And with that Seifer left the office with a plan forming in his head.

"That's good to hear. Dismissed." Cid said.

Seifer gave Cid a salute and left the office.

**Mary Shelley's Party**

Seifer looked around. The heavy rock music was blaring in his ears and there were people everywhere. It was stuffed for such a small dorm room. Well, actually, her dorm was larger than his. It actually had a living room, bedroom, kitchen, bathroom and a guest room. Her dorm was practically an apartment! It was insane!

Seifer walked through the mass of people swaying their bodies to the beat with a beer bottle in their hands. So, there wasn't a keg, huh? No problem. All Seifer had to do was find a way to get a case of 24 and say that that was all he could find and get paid for it.

He decided that the kitchen was most likely a possible source to contain all the alcohol. He made a beeline for it, but was stopped by the hostess herself.

Marry Shelley was quite a looker. She was your typical blond hair, blue-eyed city girl from Deling City. No matter how pretty she was, she had a temper that was not to be reckoned with. She was like a bomb. Get her made once and she'd be mad at everyone in her eyesight.

Seifer looked at her. _She looks suspicious_ he thought.

"Uh, hi Mary. Nice party. Kinda crowded, but it's great." Seifer said.

"Hello Seifer. I know this is a '_nice party_' as you put it. But, everyone knows that your Cid's lap dog this year. '_Confiscate the alcohol'_ he said. That is right. Isn't it?" She asked, fire in her eyes. Quite Frankly, she was scaring Seifer.

"Wait a minute, who told you?" Seifer demanded. Then it clicked in his head. He only told one person. _Squall_! '_That man is so dead once I'm through with him_!' Seifer thought.

"So _it is true. _Get out!" Mary yelled ash she pushed a fuming Seifer out the door.

**Outside Mary's Dorm**

"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Seifer yelled out to know one in particular.

"Tsk, tsk Seifer. Where are your manners? What ever could be so wrong that you had to curse out for innocent teenage people to hear? And at Christmas! Shame on you!" Squall was having WAY too much fun with Seifer's situation.

"Yeah, Almasy. Manners are a good thing. They are your friends … your **only** friends." Zell added. He and everyone else had quite a laugh when they heard Seifer had to stay sober and regulate the alcohol flow until Christmas. He would never be able to do it.

"Not now, Zell. I am about to kill something and with you standing so close, I wouldn't tempt me." Seifer was going to try to take this as a man.

Really.

"WEEELLLL, since I'm not standing so close … Seifer, we just want to thank you for making our Christmas a beautiful and joyous one. But we can't stand out here and chat with anymore, because WE were invited to a certain PARTY with A-L-C-O-H-O-L. Ta Ta For Now!" And with that Rinoa, followed by two smirking boys, walked past Seifer and into the raging party.

When they were deep in the throng of the wild gathering of teenagers, they could hear a faint cry outside that sounded a lot like " ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At least Seifer tried. Really.

**End of Chapter 3**

A/n: (ICE): TADA!!!!!! YAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jocko, what did you think of this chapter?  * Crickets * jocko? Jocko! Where are you??? OH MY GOD!!! I GOT TO FIND HER!!!!! TO EVERYONE WHO ACTUALLY READS THIS FIC, THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS. AND TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWS IT (Sammy-Chan) THIS IS FOR YOU!!!!!!!! * MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! * Now I GTG AND FIND JOCKO. SO SEE YAH NEXT CHAPTER!


	4. Alcohol Is But A Dream

 A/N (ICE:) JOCCCKKKKOOOOO!!!!!!!

        (JOCKO:) Uhhhh, yeah?

        (ICE:) I was worried SICK!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?? WALKING AROUND LIKE YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!!

        (Jocko :) Dude? We can.

        (Ice:) Really??? WOW!!!! I still wanna know where you were though.

        (Jocko:) Oohhhhh yeahh… I fixed that little problem we had with our settings .. so now ANYONE, anonymous or not... Can REVIEW !!!! and for everyone who is too  lazy to write one …. Can KISS OUR ARSE!!!!!! …s…

         (ice : ) whoooaaa there nelleh, calm down. But really, everyone HAS TO REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…..please

(jocko: ) NOW look who's insane!

(ice : ) hmmmphh.

(jocko: ) shall we?

(ice : ) .. uh what?

(jocko: ) WRITE THE NEXT CHA-PT-ERRRR????

(ice : ) do we have a choice?

( jocko: ) … no Sam will come after us with a gunblade.

(ice: ) jocko, those don't exist.

(jocko: ) Awwwww, BUT THEY"RE SOOO COOOOLLL!!!!!

( ice : ) I know , I know …. But THEY do NOT exist.

(jocko: ) well she'll come after us with a shotgun, k?

(ice: ) she's 14. She can't OWN a shotgun.

(jocko: ) Yeah, Well, explain how she shot Larry.

(ice : ) … she didn't.

(jocko: ) yeah …she did .. I saw the corpse UNDER her bed!

(ice: ) that was Garfield you dumbass.

(jocko:) you've never even seen Garfield!!!!!

(ice: ) yes, I did.

(jocko: ) so you saw the corpse under the bed?

(ice: ) that was Garfield you dumbass.

(jocko:) well then explain why it was big and FAT and ugly!!!!

(ice: ) that was Garfield you dumbass.

( jocko: ) hmmph. Well does Garfield look like a big tub of flub?

(ice: ) : * turns toward audience* I hope you enjoy the chapter.

(jocko: ) WELL??? WELLL?? IS HE A TUB OF FLUB??!?!?

* ice leaves, with jocko yelling behind her *: don't you turn your back on me!!!!!!

P.S: **ice runs back on stage** : HELLO AGAIN !!!! we forgot to tell you guys

CHAPTER FOUR

Chapter 4

" ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"I yelled. This wasn't how it was supposed to be! I was supposed to pick up a couple of cases of 24 and collect cash while getting drunk at the same time. To make matters worse, someone was drunk in front of me and he was _flaunting it_! 

"Row, row, row... Row… Your b-boat… Gent-tly d-down th-the stream… Merrily… Merri… Merr…. Merr… Merri…. Alco-hol is b-but a…. DREAM!" The drunk man belted out. 

It was outrageous! Even drunks knew that I was supposed to stay sober… Or maybe it was just pure coincidence… Nah! If Garden has taught me anything (And I doubt it), it's taught me that there is no such thing as conscien… Wait! Wrong philosophy! There is no such thing as COINCIDENCE! That's the word! COINCIDENCE! 

The guy continued to belt out a few more verses and walked around like he was on a boat. He fell over a couple of time and burped a few times and it was really sad. That was supposed to be ME!!!!!!!!

The guy walked up to me (The nerve!) and looked at me and said, "Dude…. Tequila is your friend!" with pupils that were dilated to the max and his words were slurred. 

Before I knew what I was doing, my fist met his cheek and had the time of their lives. The drunk's face hit the cold floor and a loud bang echoed through the hall. That was oddly satisfying, though. If people thought that I was a mean drunk, you'd hate to know me when I'm sober! *Drums echo in the background* Badda boom, chhhh!

"Dude, what the Hell-ll did you do that f-for?" he slurred.

His face was turned towards me and I recognized it! It was Irvine! God, I hate that guy! Especially when he's drunk and I'm sober! That little fucker. I'm gunna kick his ass! The nerve! He's walking around **DRUNK** in front of **ME**!

"Irvine, you better make like a tree and get out of here!" I growled at him.

He wore the puzzled expression while he tried to figure out what I just said. Finally, he slurred out, "Isn't it 'Make like a tree and leave'?"

"RUN!!!" I yelled.

Irvine wasn't the brightest guy… Even when he was sober. With the look of a deer caught in the headlights, he just stood there.

What the fuck was he waiting for? I'm gunna break his already screwed up nose!

"What's the matter with you? Don't you know you're about to die?" I asked as I took my gunblade out form nowhere and pointed it at his face.

"What the Hell is up your ass?" He asked smartly.

"Nothing. But I know what's gunna be up yours if you don't start running!" I threatened. This guy was **REALLY** pissing me off. I was twice as PO'ed as I was before… And that's saying something

"Whatever, dude. Good luck beer hunting." He said as he turned around and left; cowboy hat and all.

That long ponytail was screaming at me to cut it. Having no self-restraint, I cut it! And it felt good!

I was too busy grinning like an idiot to see what was coming next.

"Seifer, I may be stupid… But I'm a damn good soldier. Right now, you crossed my line, sober boy. **YOU **better start running because I have a pretty mean 3rd degree fire spell… Right now I can't seem to remember what it's called but… **RUN!!!!**"

Of course, I was just too much of a pompous, arrogant, egotistical ass and didn't believe him. The result was none too pretty, my friend. I got a third degree burn on the left side of my face. It was painful!!!!!!

"Dude, I warned you." He said as he began to walk away. Just before he was out of sight, he turned around and said, "Thanks for the hair cut, I really needed it."

I just stood there, screaming in agony. How'm I supposed to explain this to cid?

*In the party*

"Yo, Irvine! Holy shit! You cut your hair! Who did it?" Squall asked.

"Fabio the Soberman… And now has a 3rd degree burn on the side of his face…And still no alcohol."

Squall was rolling on the floor with laughter. He managed to stammer out, "Aww man… You kicked ass tonight… I only wish I was there!"

*In the infirmary*

"Jesus! How did this happen, hun?" The nurse asked as soon as she saw me.

"Just a disagreement over a hair cut, I guess." I said and she gave me the strangest look.

"Just do your job and make me look as good as I did before." I growled.  Don't look at me like that! You're reading my story and you should know just as well as I do that I'm alcohol deprived!

"Who said you looked good before?" The nurse replied cheekily. Hmm, what a feisty broad! With a clown grin on my face, I looked up to her and whispered something that I probably shouldn't have.

I was right because in the next instant, she slapped me across the face… On the burnt side! That little bitch!

She did her little magical-healing-thingy and shoved me out of the infirmary on my ass and told me to never step foot in there again… Even if I was on the brink of dieing. Jeeze, the Garden staff here needs to loosen up a little and help a poor man on the brink of destruction… Down there… If you know what I mean… and I'm pretty sure you do… Ladies? Help a poor man in need? Right. I didn't think so.

*At the party*

"Hey, Rinoa, you're looking _very_ pretty if I do say so myself." A very drunk Irvine flirted with Rinoa.

"Hey, Irvine, ol' buddy, ol' pal…. Have a seat right here… AWAY from Rinoa." An over-possessive Squall said behind a fake smile and clenched teeth.

"Um… I don't wanna sit… I FEEL LIKE DANCING! WITH RINOA!!!!!" The drunk guy said as he attempted to get up…

Only to be pushed back down by Squall who growled, "Not even a _drunk _monkey monkeys with another monkey's monkey. Got that?"

'Excuse me! Did you just call me a monkey, Squall Leonheart?!" Rinoa shrieked in his ear.

"Um… No…. And _if_ you were a monkey, you'd be a really gorgeous one at that." Squall sucked up.

"Mmm hmmm… Sure… You got the couch tonight, mister." Rinoa hissed.

Cutting through the lover's spat, Irvine began to laugh hysterically, 'Ahh hah hah hah hah hah hah hah! Squally Wally, you really do know how to screw up with the ladies, don't you?" He yelled at the top of his lungs.

Just then, the room fell silent and all eyes were diverted to Squall. Who blushed a deep shade of crimson… with a very menacing glare directed at Irvine who continued to laugh insanely.

Just then, Squall's fist collided with the cowboy's cheekbone, making it the second time that night that he had been decked across the face. 

"Jeeze! What is it with you people and punching a cowboy across the facce?" Irvine yelled… before he passed out.

"Finally!" Zell shouted with glee, "Someone made Mr. Drunk-Dress-Up shut up! Let the real party begin!"

Selphie looked at Irvine and marched up to Zell and slapped him across the face. "Rude, hot dog-eating pig!" And with the help of Quistis, got Irvine to his feet and dragged him off to his dorm.

"Do I still have to sleep on the couch?" Squall asked rather hesitantly

"Mmmmm…. Yes."

"Damnit" Squall muttered under his breath.

A/N: Ice: HELLO EVERYONE. It's done. CHAPTER FOUR is finished. FOREVER! There will NEVER be another chapter four in the existence of 8 Sober Nights EVER!!!!!

*Muffled screams heard off the side of stage, sounding strangely like " WAS IT A TUB OF FLUB OR NOT?!"*

Ice: shush your mouth Jocko, unless you do NOT want to talk in this author's note, KAY??? 

Jocko: mmmfmmhmm

ICE: GOOD jocko … now. As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted,

JOCKO: SH-F-MUCK OU!! 

ICE: … I love you too … so AS I WAS SAYING … that's the end of  this lil chappie … I think its been like …9 months … nooo …7 or 6 … MAYBE 5 since we last updated … ( SORRY SAM) … but no worries! Its going to be posted on our bestest friend's birthday. You see, this is the story … this was going to be a 2002 XMAS present for our good friend, Sam … and yah … that plan kinda fell through … and its now September 2003 and we have yet to post another chapter…. So the xmas present is now as well a BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!

 *Jocko walks on stage flailing arms wildly, with gag STILL in mouth *

ICE: What are you doing? 

*Jocko points and screams at her mouth* 

ICE: You want the gags removed?

JOCKO: MMMHMMM!!!!!!!

ICE: Then remove the gags. 

*And as if a revelation occurred inside Jocko's mind … she pulled the gags out with her own to hands. *

ICE: Yah. Dumbass.

JOCKO: I AM NOT A DUMBA- k… yah I am…

ICE: mmhmm.

JOCKO: Well only just then. Cause I've been in shock that we actually finished this chapter!

ICE: I know isn't weird?

JOCKO: Really weird.

ICE: Really, really, weird.

JOCKO: REAAALLLLY, really, REALLY weird.

ICE: You can say that again sistah.

JOCKO: REAALLLLY, really, REALLY weird.

ICE: HA. HA. You're just SOOOO FUNNY!

JOCKO: I know!

ICE: did you catch the sarcasm dripping from my mouth?

JOCKO: *pauses for two seconds then points to something off the stage* Look Ice! Something SHINY!

ICE : Huh? OO! OO! *ice runs off stage*

JOCKO: NOOOWWW who's the dumbass? *walks off stage*


End file.
